The Internal Conversation
by The Kitsune Warrior
Summary: A Conscience is generally thought of as a moral faculty, sense, or feeling that impels individuals to believe that particular activities are morally right or wrong......not this one
1. WAR!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own sonic and tails they are owned by Sega…I don't own subway either….they are owned by some guy in a skyscraper wearing a business suit making more money than everyone else. (Or so I'm told)

The Internal Conversation

By KTW

Author's notes: this may seem confusing at first…..but it makes sense later on

this is just great...just great...one minute you have a family that loves you, feeds you, and gives you somewhere too sleep...the next thing you know you're on the

Streets, sleeping in a damp near-too-collapsing box, with the local paper as the only thing close too a blanket, and your wrestling bums too earn enough loose

Change to get a 6 inch BLT at the subway up the road...im so depressed...

**Oh shut up would you...you were the one who wanted to join the army in the first place...**

I guess your right...though I did make it sound convincing didn't I?

**Yeah...I'll admit that much..."come on….lets join the army...we'll see exiting places...meet new and exiting people"**

And kill them...

**Well you kinda expect that when you join the army don't cha?**

Yeah…but I never thought I get put in the front lines…

**Stop actin like a girl….your in a war man!...**

I got nothing against war….its just I don't like to kill people…….

**You kill robots all the time….what's the difference?...**

Robots are easily repaired……people aren't…

**I bet you won't kill any one while you're here…**

Probably not….

**Chicken…**

Huh….what did you call me…

**Chicken….**

IM NO CHICKEN……..

**Prove it then….**

Huh? How….

**Look behind you…**

Behind me….there's just a group of our enemies….so what…

**Well…you're at war with them….**

And…

**Slaughter them for god's sake….**

With what…

**OMG…WHAT ARE YOU HOLDING IN YA HANDS……**

Huh….my han-…..oh hey…. A machine gun…..how'd this get here…?

**You know…for the fastest thing in the world….you sure are a slow thinker….**

Huh…..

**Don't worry about it…just give it to them guys over there…….**

No….I cant…I wont….AND YOU CANT MAKE ME….

**HA-HA WANNA BET….**

WHADDYA MEAN BY THA-….HEY HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?...HEY PUT MY HANDS DOWN…

.**nothing you say or do can make me do that**…

HEY DON'T AIM MY GUN OVER THERE!...

_FOR GOD'S SAKE SONIC…..TELL YOUR CONSCIENCE TO STOP ARGUING AND TO KEEP IT'S VOICE DOWN….IM TRYING TO GET SOME REST……_

Sorry tails….see what you did….you woke up tails. He's angry now…

.**you started it…**

Did not….

**Did so…**

_SONIC!_

Hey it's not my fault…it's my conscience he keeps arguing with everything that I say.

**Do not**

Get out of my head dammit!

_That's it im leaving…_

Hey tails…don't leave me here alone….what am supposed to do?

_I dunno…have a conversation with your self_

Wha- oh thanks tails

_See ya_

Wai- oh great he's gone.

**Well then…**

DON'T EVEN START YOU…YOU….

**What?**

….oh I dunno…I can think of any thing at the moment…..im hungry…I need something to eat…

**Need something to eat? You've had 3 feet of BLT already!**

Hey…ive been workin it off while im here…

**The only exercise you get round here is wrestling bums in the abandoned warehouse 2 streets over.**

So…its still exercise nonetheless.

**Oh god….im bored…lets do something**

Like what

**Something away from here**

Let's go home…

**Ok…what do you want to do when we get there…?**

I dunno…let's find eggman and kick him in the nuts.

**Sounds like a plan…..lets go…**

Right on…

----------

So sonic and his conscience left the battlefield went home, found eggman and kicked him square in nuts.

----------

**Now what….**

I dunno…..lets kick egghead in the nuts again.

**Ok…but it's my turn this time…**

Be my guest

_**WHAT…… NOT AGAIN……NOOOOOOOOOOO…..AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…..that hurts**_

Hey good kick

**Thanks….uh….what do you want to do now?**

Let's go to that new brothel that was built a couple of days ago…

**You mean club rouge?**

Yeah…that's the one…

**Sounds like a plan….lets go…**

**-------------------**

So sonic and his conscience left the rolling eggman and went to club rouge and….oh well…you could probably guess the rest for yourself………THE END!

------------

Author's notes: it's amazing what you can do when you're left in a freezing cold library and have a major sugar high eh readers?

Well….till next time….see ya soon…The Kitsune Warrior.


	2. Psychology Can Be Funny

Woo…would you look at this…..another chapter………this one is inspired by the one and only CARL BARON.

Chapter 2: Psychology Can Be Funny 

Sonic walked into his house, and finds tails sitting on the couch veging out in front of the idiot box.

"hey sonic, where have you been?" he asked

"the psychologist" he replied

"you got a shrink?" tails asked surprised

"yeah" sonic sighed "it's all because of that conscious of mine"

"oh yeah…him"

"that's why I got the shrink in the first place, too drive him out of there"

"what happened?"

"I let him talk to the shrink"

"oh no…you didn't"

"mmm hmm"

"what happened"

"ok….i'll tell you….i was waiting in the waiting room, I was called, and I let my other self take over too talk too the shrink"

--------------FLASHBACK-------------

"helo mr. Hedgehog….what brings you here today?" the shrink asked

"**uh…me…I brought myself here"**

"no no no…why are you here?"

"**coz I rang and made an appointment"**

the shrink wrote something down on some paper and asked

"what do you hope to get out of today's session?"

" **a discount would be nice"**

the shrink ignored the reply and moved on to the next question.

"do you have any goals mr. Hedgehog?"

"**nope" sonic's alter-ego replied**

"and why is that?"

"**coz I got a really small back yard…….i could probably fit a ping pong table in there though!"**

the shrink was starting to get annoyed

"where do you see yourself in 5 years"

"**in front of the mirror…..same as I do now" came the smart reply from the alter-ego**

"uh….what's your plan for the next 10 years?"

"**to have a goal"**

the shrink was getting p'd off at the hedgehog.

"what did you want to be at school?"

"**FRENCH!"**

"uhhhh…..and what did you end up becoming?"

"**Japanese" the alter-ego replied sadly**

"what are you looking for in life?"

"**huh? Whad'ya mean?"**

"you must be looking for something in life?"

"**uh….oh yeah….i am"**

"and what's that?"

"**a one-ended stick"**

the shrink was ready to punch the smart alec hedgehog right between the eyes

"what do want out of life?"

"**huh…oh god I hate this question"**

"mr hedgehog"

"**huh oh….er…..sleep and chilli sauce"**

"o….k…please explain"

"**before I die…I'd be happy, just to get some sleep….people think I'm laid back….i'm just really tired….and people tell me….'your'e easy going'….but that's not it…..i'm just rooted…..i've been up all night."**

The shrink wrote something on the paper again and asked

"what was it like growing up?"

"**pretty slow"**

the shrink decided to change her tactics

"what's your dad like?"

"**irritating people"**

"uhhhh….ok….how do you find him?"

"**uh…I go….DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDD…………….. WHERE ARE YOU?"**

"what's his personality like?"

"**he's a smart-arse"**

"do you think you have anything in common with your dad?"

"**yep"**

"and what's that?"

"**our last name!"**

"what would you say to your dad if he was here right now?"

"**WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!"**

"what do you think he'd say to you?"

"**were you callin' out to me before" said the alter-ego in a deep voice to imitate his father**

"DO YOU FIND EVERYTHING FUNNY MR. HEDGEHOG?" said the shrink in a rage

"**how much do you charge?"**

"$100 per hour"

"**nope"**

an alarm clock beeped on the shrinks table signaling the end of the session

"will I see you again next week?"

"**nope….not coming back…."**

"and why not?"

"I'm cured" 

"you can't be cured after one session"

"**bullshit….I'M CURED" yelled the alter-ego happily**

"hmm….well take this relaxation cd….you need to relax more"

----END FLASHBACK-----

sonic looked at tails as he rolled around the floor laughing hystericaly

"I still haven't listened to the cd yet…."

"why don't you put it in"

"uh ok"

so the alter-ego put the cd in a nearby cd player, relaxing music began to play……

"_ahhhhhhhhh…..breathe…….."_

"thanks for reminding us dickhead" replied the alter-ego to the cd "no wonder I've been stressed"

tails couldn't help chuckling at his comment

"_ahhhhhhhhh………relax……take your pants off………take your undies off…………close the curtains……you should probably close the curtains first….it's hunting season out there…………"_

sonic's alter-ego and tails just stared at each other, displaying looks of extreme confusion, and disgust.

"_ask yourself…………if you find yourself on the beach….laying there….naked…….a whale lying next to you…….smoking…………is it time to stop drinking?"_

"that's it…..ive had enough of this crap…." And the alter-ego hurled the cd player out of the window….smacking out shadow who just happened to be walking past…..the alter-ego and tails saw this and began laughing uncontrollably……..that is……until shadow came in and gave them a wooping of a life time…..

THE END 

Author's Notes: I think I need to check myself into the nut house…….eh?…..might make another chapter….who knows…..TKW


	3. Confusing Language

Today on the internal conversation………..sonic explores the language barrier of one word between Americans and Australians……thongs……….have you ever noticed that us aussies can string about 10 words into one? It a great ability….

INSPIRED BY THE ONE AND ONLY CARL BARON!

Disclaimer: I do not own sonic and co. they are owned by Sega, however, I do own orbin, vixen and a huge pile of narcotics that are hidden under my bed. None of which appear in this fic

Chapter 3: Confusing Language.

"this is great, I have to take the bus now"

"**Oh stop complaining you pussy" sonic's alter-ego replied**

"I have a right to complain! It's your fault I'm waiting for the bus anyway."

"**How do you figure that?"**

"First of all…..you were the one that called that biker a poof"

"**So what…. he was the one who got up and started singing"**

"What was wrong with him singing…. he was pissed out of his mind…..you would expect him to sing"

"**Not Brittney spears"**

"Oh come on…..he did a good job of it at least"

"**Yeah….until the whole bloody pub joined in"**

"Hey….you joined in to remember?"

"**That was the reason I punched the dickhead in the face!"**

"Which got him angry enough to take to our legs with a bar stool, the force of which broke both of them."

"**Both of what?"**

"The stool and our legs…..don't you remember?"

"Nah…. I passed out from dinking too much shortly after I punched the biker in the face"

"WHAT…. so I coped the whole thing?"

"**Oh stop complaining…..so a biker broke your legs and you can't run and now you have to take the bus…boo hoo"**

"Hey…you can't move either…you know that?"

"**Yeah…. I'll just get you to take me to where ever I wanna go"**

"Yeah right….as if I'd ever let you control me like a pawn"

"I'd doubt that" 

"Waddya mean?"

"Uh tell me…where are we going?"

"To club rouge…they have a new dancer there"

"**Yeah…Amy….something…..I cant remember the last name"**

"Your point is"

"**You never wanted to go in the first place"**

"I know…I still don't"

"Then why are you waiting for the bus to take you there?"

"Because you took control of me against my will and dragged me here!"

"Exactly….and what did you say about me controlling you?"

"You cant con…..troll….me……WHY YOU BASTARD!" and sonic got his left hand and slammed it into the left side of his face….hard…..

"OW…..THAT REALLY HURT YOU TOSS-POT……TAKE THIS…" and the alter-ego took control of the right hand and launched it right between his legs…

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH"

then the alter-ego saw someone coming….. "Quick…get up….someone's coming……act normal"

Sonic quickly sat up on the bench next to the bus-stop…..the person walked passed and stood nearby…also waiting for the bus….

Then a small kangaroo came up and sat next to sonic

"_G'daymate'asmatethebusrockedupyetorwhat" the roo said quickly to sonic._

"_**What the fuck was that?" the alter-ego thought to himself**_

The Sonics ignored the…..whatever it was that the roo had said, and looked over at the lady who was waiting for the bus…..she accidentally dropped her suitcase that she was carrying…….so she bent over to pick it up….the alter-ego caught sight of something very interesting….he leaned over to the roo and whispered to him

"Hey, check it out….you can see her thong!"

"_what….?"_

"**When she bends over you can see her thong"**

"_Huh?"_

"**She's got a thong hanging out of her pants"**

"_What do ya wanna see her thongs for?"_

"Coz it's hanging out the top of her pants?"

"_Where's the other one?"_

"Other one?"

"_Yeah…the other one"_

"What other one?"

"_The other one…. ya cant only wear one thong!"_

"Why not?"

"_Coz you'll end up getting sore feet ya idiot!"_

"Huh?"

"_What is it doing in her pants anyway? She must have quite alotta room in there eh?"_

"**How do you know so much about thongs anyway"?**

"_Why…. I wear them……so does me mum….me dad…..and me bro and sister! Not to mention the rest of my family…..we've been wearing thongs for generations"_

"**wha-…..I never knew they were around that long!"**

"_Yeah…..and when we go down the beach….we take 'em off and put 'em on our hands!"_

**The alter-ego suddenly felt a bit queasy…..**

"_And they make a great weapon too!"_

"**What?"**

"_Yeah…..when ya slap people with them, they make a really loud CRACK sound…..it scares the crap outta 'em"_

Then the roo looked over to the lady who dropped her suitcase and noticed something very interesting….he leaned over to sonic and said

"_Hey check it out…..you can see her g-string!"_

Then the bus pulled up, and sonic and the other two got on….sonic got off at club rouge and entered to see the new dancer: Amy whatsername!

------------------

Authors Notes: CARL BARON IS THE GREATEST COMEDIAN EVER…ALL HAIL BARON!


	4. How It All Began

WOO……. . Another chapter of the tomb of ultimate randominity……this tim-…. . what?………OH CRAP……. . Sorry…. wrong fic……so…………. what's this?…. . The internal conversation?…. . Oh…. ok……. um……. right……got it!…. . this is how he got the voice in his head……HEY if star wars can play the episodes in the wrong order…. then so can I……oh…. if the bolding screws up…. well…there's nada I can do about it

Disclaimer: I do not own Sonic and Co. Sega owns them. If I did own them, I wouldn't be writing this thing…. I'd be putting it on TV.

Chapter 4: How It All Began. 

"what…. . Oh come on Tails…. don't leave me here alone……. what am I going to do while im here waiting?"

"what about wait?" Tails rebutted "this is a doctor's waiting room after all…. . "

"you're kidding me right"

Tails' name was called out over the PA and he got up and walked over to the doctor's door

"well…. how about having a conversation with your self?" Tails said while laughing.

"WHAT?…. oh yeah…real funny Tails'" shouted Sonic as Tails walked into the doctor's office

"_Have a conversation with myself……. what an idiot" _Sonic thought to himself.

"hi…. . How you goin'" Sonic said to himself sarcastically

he chuckled to himself, at the idea of talking to himself…. that is…. until he heard something

"**hello…"**

Sonic was startled for a second…. .

"Nah……couldn't have been" Sonic reassured himself.

"**hello!"**

Sonic turned around, to see if someone was talking to him. He saw no one, but the reflection of himself in a mirror that was mounted on a wall next to him.

Nervously, he said to the reflection… "Hello?" but the reflection did nothing but copy his movements.

Sonic turned away from the mirror and slumped in his chair, but he sat bolt upright when he heard the voice again

"**HELLO!"**

Sonic leapt up out of his chair and adopted a fighting stance

"who's there?" Sonic said looking all around him to see if he could see anyone hiding anywhere. And again he found no one.

"**it's me…you idiot" **the voice called back

Sonic looked around again, nothing. .

"where are you?" Sonic called

"**exactly where you are. "**

"Huh?" said Sonic confused, and dropping his fighting stance

"**oh god you're stupid…. . I'm your alter-ego…. your doppelganger…your split personality…. your conscience…. . you get what I mean?"**

"my conscience?……. oh…. ok……how are ya?"

"**better now"**

"what's that supposed to mean?**"**

"**nothing…never mind…. so…. uh…. what'cha doin'?"**

"Waitin' for Tails to hurry up and get out of the doctors so I can go home"

"**well…. you know it was your fault he's here in the first place"**

"BULLSHIT IT'S MY FAULT" Sonic screamed at his conscience "the plane collapsed out of it's holder and crushed his wrist"

"**and why did the plane fall out of the holder in the first place?"**

"uh…. because……. . it…became…loose?"

"**WRONG……"** the conscience, bellowed **"you dropped your chilli dog on the control panel, when you took it off, you bumped the control lever which released the plane from the holder, thus crushing Tails' wrist!"**

"oh come on! It was an accident"

"**yeah yeah…. i know…"**said the conscience, calming down a bit.

"uh…. anyway……. . you like chilli dogs……" Sonic asked to try and make conversation

"**of course I do**" said the conscience **"I find the smell…. very…. erotic"**

"…yeah…. ya fancy a shag!"

"**allright"**

And Sonic bolted off to the bathroom, and emerged 20 mins later, very tired, he stumbled back into his chair, and let out a great sigh of relief as he sat down

"man……. . That was good" said Sonic…. panting

"**yeah…your not bad"** said the alter-ego…. also panting

"really?"

"**do you love me?"** said the alter-ego suddenly

"huh- wha"

"**do you love me?"**

"well…of course I do"

"**oh come on…. you say it but you don't mean it**" said the conscience annoyed

"sure I do…. "

"**oh yeah right…. football……football……. football……that's all you men ever talk about"**

"you got a problem with that?"

"**why cant we have an interesting conversation about tampons………. . "**

"oh shut up YOU BITCH!"

"**no!…. and you can't make me…. "**

"quiet!…im getting to the end of my tether with you……"

"**oh yeah………BRING IT ON. . "**

"don't make me!"

"**COME ON…. . PIN DICK"**

"RIGHT…. THAT'S IT!"

and Sonic started to slam himself in various places with his fists…. including his face, legs, chest, and more…intimate……. . parts of the male body…………………………………. . oh screw it……. he slammed himself in the nuts.

Sonic let out a howl of pain, and rolled around on the waiting room floor, just as Tails and the doctor walked through the door. They were taken aback by what they saw.

"Sonic what the hell is going on here" yelled Tails, over Sonic's howling

Sonic calmed himself, and somehow managed to pull himself into the chair

"I am Sonic…" Sonic said

"Yeah we know that" Tails said

"**And I am Sonic too" **said the alter ego

Then Sonic and his alter-ego began arguing and slamming each other in the nuts again…

Tails turned to the doctor and said "um…. . doc…. could you-"

"way ahead of you…" said the doctor who jammed a needle into Sonic's backside.

Suddenly Sonic felt kinda funny……he began too see colours

"WOAH! What's goin oh here?" said Sonic, like he was a stoned hippie

"**WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" **yelled the alter-ego and began dancing, only soon to trip over the chair and slam face first into the floor and knock himself unconscious.

"right…. let's drag him out side…. he'll be good in the morning" said the doctor

So Tails and the doc dragged Sonic outside, and Tails went home…. leaving him behind……

----------

Author's Notes: well………I'm certainly in a strange kind of mood right now…. . TKW


	5. Not Feeling Too Well

Alrighty……after removing the blisters from my fingers from doing chapter 16 of manic's ultimate adventure…. . I have decided to do another chappy of the internal conversation… . Ive decided to throw everyone in a house together………an apartment building…. you know…. . The really tall ones……oh…. by everyone I mean, Sonic Knux shad and Tails. And some of them aren't feeling very well at the moment………. . Anyone here remember the young ones……you know…the old UK TV show?…. no………. yes………whatever………. SICK!

Disclaimer: I do not own Sonic and co. They are owned by Sega………. I do own a cold at the moment……. that's the inspiration for this chapter……. that…. and the young ones.

Chapter 5: Not Feeling Too Well. 

Tails was lying in bed early in the morning, not looking too well, his bed covered in tissues and rags, all coated in a slimy green substance.

"Ahhhhhh" Tails said while poking his tongue out and looking in a hand held mirror, which was followed by a series of loud coughing

"Uhghuhgugughuggaaahh" (bad attempt of coughing here)

Then Tails' nose was feeling a bit stuffy, so he went to blow it…. . But there was a problem

"Oh god… I've run out of things to blow my nose on"

So Tails ripped off his sleeve of his PJ's and blew his nose on it…. .

But in the next room…….

"Tails!…. Will you stop making that revolting noise…. you know I'm ill…. . You're only doing it to make me feel worse. " Sonic yelled through the wall to Tails, also lying in his bed, not feeling too well

"Your ill!…what about me……listen to this………. . Uhghuhgugughuggaaahh" (another bad attempt at coughing)

"Oh stop you wining Tails…. . You're probably not even ill…. . "

"Oh yeah……then how come I'm all hot and sweaty then?"

"**Well…. I think we'd rather not go into that Tails. "**

"YEAH…. . I agree with the conscience on that one"

"Oh SHUT UP SONIC"

"**NO…. . YOU SHUT UP…"**

"SONIC……. STOP SHOUTING, YOURE GIVING ME TUNNEL VISION"

"I AM NOT SHOUTING" 

"YES YOU ARE!"

"I BLODDY WELL AM NOT!" 

"YES YOU ARE!"

"LOOK!……. . IF YOU WANNA HEAR BLODDY SHOUTING MATEY!……. THIS IS IT!……AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!………AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH……. . AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Meanwhile, across the hall, shadow was getting quite annoyed with the argument, he was lying in bed as well, also sick with a flu……

He reached under his bed and pulled out 3 things, a bottle of vodka, an old rag and a cigarette lighter

"you know…it's funny…. being ill, completely eradicates my tolerant, and easy going approach to communal living and violence"

And shadow took the rag, stuffed the rag into the top of the vodka bottle, lit the rag and hurled the bottle out of his room, across the hall, and into Sonic's room. Resulting in a very large explosion, large enough to blast a hole in Sonic's right wall of his bedroom. Giving a clear view into the next room…. . Which was Tails' room.

Shadow walked into Sonic's room to check the damage, not to happy with the results…. . Sonic was still alive.

"Well… . that's bloody considerate of ya" said Sonic sarcastically.

"Yeah……. thanks shadow……that petrol bomb really cleared my sinuses" said Tails peering through the giant hole in the wall and taking a huge sniff of air, only to be met with the foul stench of Sonic's room, which nearly made him pass out.

"Oh god" shadow said woefully "oh god oh god oh god"

"Oh……you're beginning to regret killing me now are you shadow?"

"Of course I'm beginning to regret it…. that was nearly a full bottle of vodka……. . That's $12. 35 you owe me turd face"

"All property is theft shadow" said Sonic quoting some dead philosopher dude.

"Yeah!…. . All right then……where's your wallet?" And shadow began to search Sonic's cupboards for his wallet.

Then knuckles burst into the room…. . Holding a huge fish (let's say a salmon)

"Hey guys……what's this?" said Knux holding out the huge fish

"It's a fish knuckles" said Tails…. stating the obvious

"Huh…. . Oh …. . Yeah……thanks" and knuckles left the room.

"HAHAHA…FOUND IT!" said shadow holding up a small brown leather wallet.

"HEY…that's mine…. give that back!" said Sonic's conscience.

"but you said all property is theft"

"yeah……. . and……. . "

"so im nicking it"

then knuckles burst into the room again…. still holding the huge fish……

"right……. what I meant to say was…. . what's this fish…. doing in my bed?"

"uh…. it's not in your bed Knux" said Sonic

"huh?…. what…. . oh…. . ok……" and knuckles left the room again.

"right…. where were we……oh yeah………. im nicking this wallet"

"AHHH…. stop ……thief" yelled Sonic.

"thieves rush in where rush in where fools fear to trade" said Tails, quoting some dead philosopher dude.

"yeah!…. . and Andy Williams said that" said Sonic.

"oh shut up Sonic"

"**no you shut up……. knob gobbler" **

"dick cheese…………. nobend………tosspot………anal regurgitation………. " Insulted shadow.

"OH…. what rep-are-tee……. sticks and stones may break my bones!. "

"now that is the most sensible thing you have said all morning. " And shadow bent down and ripped out a floorboard of Sonic's room, and slammed Sonic over the head with it.

"OW!"

then Knux burst into the room again…. . this time…not holding the fish

"ok…. now I got it……. what's this fish…. doing in my bed. ?"

"WHAT FISH" everyone else yelled in unison.

SMACK…shadow slammed the floor board into Sonic's head once again.

"Oh…. . right" and Knux turned around, and was about to leave the room, but then remembered something, so he turned around and faced the others

"oh…. . by the way…. . " and Knux was cut off by a very loud

"ACHOOO" Tails sneezed, sending slimy green snot directly toward shadow. He reacted quickly and used chaos control to zip to the other side of the bedroom. So the snot stream kept going……and hit knuckles…. .

"any one got a tissue" finished knuckles.

"AHHHH…PROJECTILE SNOT" yelled shadow

"ACHOO" snezzed Tails again, firing towards shadows direction, shadow acted quickly like before and chaos controlled to the other side of the room. The snot stream flew across the room and made contact with a flowerpot so hard and with so much force that it broke it in half.

"QUICK…. do something!" yelled Sonic

shadow looked around for something…. . anything……. . he looked at Sonic's bed……then at his pillow……. . he quickly jumped onto the bed, grabbed the pillow, ripped the cover off of it, jumped through the hole in the wall, and put the pillow case over Tails' head.

Everyone gave a sigh of relief……. but then

"ACHOO!" Tails sneezed with such force that it blew the pillow case right off of his head………and he was ready to sneeze again…

"AH-"

"QUICK……. . THROW HIS HEAD OUT THE WINDOW!" yelled Sonic's conscience. 

shadow and knuckles grabbed Tails and put through the window……which was unopened……. so lots of glass was scattered all over the ground outside the apartment window…. . when Tails' head was outside he let out a huge sneeze……

----------------

meanwhile a large white polar bear that went by the name of bark was taking a casual walk around the neighbourhood, he took his time, looking at everything he saw, he saw a fountain in a park nearby, a park bench, and a green duck, holding a lime flavoured ice-cream in one hand, and in the other, a large, grey, cherry bomb, one that looked powerful enough to blow the side of a Nissan 4x4. _(A/N: I have to thank Aveestar for making me think of that one)_

he turned his gaze from the duck and continued to walk down the path he was currently walking……. then he felt something hit the back of his head……he took his paw around too feel what hit him………. he grabbed whatever it was and pulled it off of him so that he could see what it was……it was a strange substance……it was green and slimy………. . he remembered the duck having a green ice-cream……he turned to the duck………. . he was no longer holding his ice cream………. bark instinctively charged over to the duck and yelled at him…

"Hey!……. . did you throw that?"

"yeah!" Replied the duck "great shot wasn't it?" he added, pointing to the fountain…. . which was now in a million pieces and the birds…. well……. . let's just say there……. less…. . active…. then they were a few minutes ago…

Bark smacked the green duck in the back of the head, and the duck retaliated by jumping on top of him and pecking at his head……the two fighters rolled around the park exchanging kicks and punches…. they were so preoccupied that the two didn't realise that they had rolled onto the highway next to the path they were on…. a car had skidded to a halt in front of the two fighters, so they wouldn't hit them, then another car came and smashed the first one from behind, a pissed off armadillo stepped out of the first car and started to abuse the second driver…. . a yellow flying squirrel hopped out of the second car and began yelling at the armadillo……. . shortly the two drivers were also going at it hammer and tongs, thus starting a chain reaction for the entire highway…. . soon the entire highway was in one great brawl.

------------

meanwhile…. . back in the apartment building, in Tails' bedroom, Tails was sitting on the edge of his bed, with a huge green garbage bag over him, it went down to about his hips……. . and Sonic was taping up the bottom of the bag to Tails' body

"I mean……. it's a good idea…. i agree…. . but won't he suffocate in there?" asked knuckles

"ACHOO"

"very probable knuckles……. . but we gotta keep the snot…. off the walls" answered Sonic……. shadow was nowhere to be seen

"AHCHOO……………. ugh……. man……it's really horrible in here…. " Tails said woefully…. . Sonic nodded in agreement…. . …… "why'd we have to use Sonic's laundry bag?"

Sonic got pretty pissed off at that comment

"well there's gratitude for ya……. . it's ME who's going to wear snotty undies for the next two weeks Tails…. ME…. . who they're going to call…. . 'booger bum' at the 'friends of Oscar Wilde society'……. especially at the next annual 'show your bottom competition" yelled Sonic's conscience

just then……. shadow walked in holding a hammer, and a large brown leather bag…. .

"Im afraid I couldn't' find any needles Im afraid Tails……"said shadow "so we're going to have to use 6 inch nails"

"Shadow……. you can't do acupuncture with 6 inch nails" said Sonic

"and why not?"

"well they aren't sterilised are they…. . you don't want to give Tails any more diseases than he already has"

"we don't have enough time to sterilise them. I gotta go to work in 20 mins. "

"Oh…. . so you got a job do you……. where?" asked knuckles

"at the strip joint 3 blocks up"

"oh…yeah……I know the place……. . they just got that new stripper…. . amy………something…. . "

"yeah…. that's the place"

"oh well" said Sonic "I guess we'll just have to use the nails then"

"right" said shadow…. . he opened the bag and took out a large nail

"ok Tails" said shadow "I am about to insert the first nail"

"ACHOO…………. . O. K. " said Tails…. . still unable to see anything due to the garbage bag that was taped on his head.

"ok……. here we go……. you might feel a bit of a prick" said shadow……. lining up the nail on the top of his head which was still inside the bag

"so what's new?" said Tails

-------------------------------

meawhile………back on the streets…….

There was a huge road block……. . nobody was in their cars……they were all out and having a huge slug-fest with anybody that came within arms reach. All except for a cop's paddy-wagon that was right at the back of the pack of cars.

Inside the paddy wagon, there were two cops: one was in the drivers seat………and the other one was in the back compartment, accompanied by a familiar figure…. Eggman……or…at least…. that's who it looked like.

A small gang came up to the paddy wagon and began violently rocking the stationary vehicle.

In the back, a cop and the Eggman like figure were being rocked around.

"can you get this thing to stop rocking…. . im getting queezy" said the Eggman figure

"no I cant" said the cop

"why not? You're a copper aren't you?"

"Shut your mouth Eggman" yelled the copper

"hey!…. . that's mr Eggman to you, copper, and I suggest you keep calling me that, unless you would no longer like to keep your head in the vicinity of your shoulders…………ALRIGHT!" said Eggman

"oh…. i see……. . SHUT YOUR MOUTH EGGMAN"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH" yelled Eggman and grabbed the cop by the throat.

--------------------------------

"ACHOO" Tails sneezed again……. he was no longer in his bedroom……he was now in the kitchen\lounge room along Sonic, knuckles and shadow. The bag still over his head, and he stood still, just in case he ran into anything he couldn't see

"ACHOO!"

Sonic leaned towards shadow who had his back turned against Sonic, he was handling something on the kitchen bench

"hey shad……I've been thinking……maybe sneezing is like hiccups…. . you can scare them outta someone…. . whadya think?"

"he'll certainly get a fright when he feels this" said shadow turning around, revealing a large chef knife, which he was sharpening against a knife sharpening stone.

"shadow…. . you have to be a bit more subtle than that…. . we don't want to kill him"

"hmm………I guess you're right……maybe this'll work"

shadow snuck right up close to Tails and began flailing his arms and screaming

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH………. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH………. . MY BRAIN'S EXPLODING……. . AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH……. MY BRAIN'S EXPLODING!"

"…………………………………ACHOO"

"it didn't work" said shadow

"well Im not surprised shadow" said Sonic "that was completely pathetic"

shadow grabbed the knife with one hand…… and led Tails over to the lounge with the other

"Tails…. . if you don't stop sneezing……. . by the time I count to 3……. . . im going to cut your testicles off……. and ram them up your nostrils" threatened shadow

"ACHOO!……. . oh no!……ACHOO!……. help me!…ACHOO!" sneezed Tails

"1" counted shadow

"ACHOO" sneezed Tails again

"2" counted knuckles who stepped up beside shadow

"ACHOO………. HEELLLLPP!…. i really wish this wasn't happening to me…ACHOO!"

"2. 9999999 recuring" counted Sonic

knuckles and Sonic grabbed Tails and held him against the lounge, Tails still couldn't see what was going on due to the garbage bag over his head

"3!" counted shadow

"Right…. DO IT!" screamed Sonic's conscience

shadow was about to……. . do whatever it was that he was going to…………until he heard a gunshot. He looked over at the front door and noticed it had many small holes in it.

Then the door fell off, and a tall, egg shaped man walked into the house, holding a shotgun

"right…. . everyone…. hands up……. . " Sonic knuckles and shadow obliged…. . whereas Tails didn't as he had no idea what was going on.

"ohh…how exiting……Dr. Eggman…. . is that you?" asked Sonic's conscience

"no it is not………. i am however…his…. . slightly less evil twin brother………. Brian Eggman…………. complete psycho, and escaped criminal madman at your service"

nobody said anything in reply

"right……nobody move…. . and nothing…will happen"

nobody moved

"right…. everyone…. up against that wall now" said Eggman pointing to the other side of the room

"how are we supposed to get to that wall if we can't move?" asked shadow

"huh?" said Eggman

"more to the point…. what would happen if we do move?"

"what?"

Sonic groaned "oh god…. he is thick isn't he?"

"WHAT HAPPENS IF ANYBODY MOVES?" screamed Sonic's conscience

"huh…. . oh…OH!…. oh right…. . right…sorry about that…. ok……this is what happens right" Eggman walked over to Tails and ripped off the bag……. it was horrible……. . green snot poured out from the bag and all over the floor……Tails himself could have easily been mistaken as the blob from that really old tv show………. The Blob……. knuckles was on the edge of hurling…

"huh…. what?" said Tails confused…. . he then noticed Eggman…. "oh hey Eggman"

Eggman said nothing…. except he threw his head forward and butted Tails in the forehead

"OW OW OW OW OW!" screamed Tails…as he danced around the lounge room holding his head. Then he stopped…. he noticed something……. . the place was silent…. he wasn't sneezing anymore.

"HEY…. . i think that's done it…. . thanks doc"

Eggman suddenly got really angry "thanks………. . 'Doc'……are you being sarcastic…that's the one thing I hate…. . sarcasm…. "

"oh really……how increadably interesting" said Sonic's conscience sarcastically

"alright…. i'll tell you how much I hate sarcasm"

"uh-"

"I was walking down the street one day right…. . and I passed this man right……. and he said to me…. 'nice day…isn't it?'……. . but is wasn't a nice day……it was in fact……a little bit cloudy……. . so that makes him……very sarcastic………. so acting as if nothing had happened right……. i got his head…. . and put it me mouth…. acting dead casual like……right……then I closed me teeth and BIT HIS HEAD OFF!…………. . coz I hat people being sarcastic"

"uh…. well…I wasn't being sarcastic" said Tails

"oh…. . weren't ya?"

Tails shook his head

"oh…. . well then forget everything I just said then alright"

"what" interrupted shadow "everything since you first came in…. or that thing just now"

"uhh………ok…. enough of that………. i am now going to call the police………. and if they do give me…. with in 24 hours: 1 million dollars……. a helicopter……. a new gun…………a large slushie…. . grape flavoured………the complete memoirs of Dame Edna………………… a 2 year subscription to Playboy magazine ……"

"Oh…. . very handy" said shadow

Eggman continued his list of demands

"……a set of steak knives……. in a presentation box…………uh…. you know them little black rubber thingies…. . you know…. the ones that bounce up and down…and go 'NI NI NI'?"

Sonic nodded

"……. . yeah…. . a hole box full of them………………………. a picture of rouge in the nude……. "

"heh heh…. . that can be arranged" said knuckles…. grinning slyly

"……. a little fox terrior called 'Bob'……. . otherwise I'll blow your heads off alright?"

Eggman picked up the house phone…. he heard no dial tone……

"oh yeah" said Sonic…. "the phone doesn't work"

Eggman screamed in rage and then pointed the gun at the group….

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" screamed Tails

"what are you screaming about…. you going to be dead in a minute anyway"

"who said anything about dying…. i just remembered…. . my parents are coming around for tea!" then everybody screamed and began to panic

then…………. .

"hello"……. . said a sweet female voice………everyone stopped panicking and listened to the voice……. shadow cringed

the body of the voice walked into the room…. it was a black hedgehog……. very similar to shadow

"hi shadow" she said to shadow

"piss off!" he replied to the lady

"oh come on now………that's no way to speak to your mother…. . "

"………. alright then…. . piss off mum"

"much better" she said

"what are you doing here?" asked shadow

"I heard you were sick……. so I came for a visit"

"really?"

"of course…. what are mum's for?"

"I dunno…. having babies?"

"DON'T BE SO SEXIST SHADOW!" screamed shadow's mother who threw her left knee into shadows groin

"AAAHHHHHH……. . OW!……. sorry mum…"apoligised shadow……as he was keeling over in pain

"aww……that's ok………I've brought you a present……"

"the last present you gave me was a box of matches"

"that was joke"

"I was only 3 weeks old"

"oh come on shadow"

"ugh…. what have you brought me this time?"

"a bottle of vodka" said shadow's mum holding up a bottle

"OH GREAT…. . THANKS MUM!"

shadow took the bottle and began to guzzle the contents……but there was one thing wrong

"it's empty" said shadow, tipping the bottle upside down

"HAHAHAHA…. . UP YOURS UGLY!" said shadow's mum

she then gave the finger and sprinted out the front door.

"wow…. . what a nasty woman" said Eggman. He then fired a warning shot into the roof to get the attention of everyone

"ok…. this has gone on seriously too far seriously on enough by half ok"

but Eggman was completely ignored

"quick…. we got to hurry up and clean this place before my parents get here" said Tails.

"DON'T PANIC!" yelled knuckles…. calming everyone down "worse things happen at sea"

"like what knuckles?" asked Sonic's conscience.

"well……. . you could be on a boat…. . a storm comes………. your boat capsizes……you fall in the water……. . your drowning………. and then a huge shark swims up to you……. opens it's huge mouth……. and then says 'oh…by the way…. . Tails' parents are coming around in 30 seconds…. . THAT'S WHEN YOU PANIC!…. . COME ON…LETS CLEAN THIS PLACE UP"

Everything seemed to be in fast forward……everyone was cleaning up the house at a very impressive speed……. . even Eggman was taking the time to polish his shotgun

"28…………29………. 30"counted shadow…. . there then was a knock on the front door…. . and a tall male fox walked in accompanied by a slightly shorter female fox……. . "

"hi mum…. hi dad" said Tails greeting his parents

"hello Tails" said his mum

"hello Tails" said his dad…. . looking around the house

"well" said Tails' mum "aren't you going to introduce us to your friends?"

"oh…ok…. . uh…………. this is Sonic" said Tails pointing to Sonic "the worlds fastest superhero with a split personality disorder"

"hey there" said Sonic

"WAZZZZZZZZUP!" yelled Sonic's conscience

Tails' mum was quite taken aback with Sonic's double answering

"uh……and this is shadow………the ultimate life form…. who is 69 years old……but really doesn't look a day past 19"

shadow just gave Tails' parents a cold, icy stare

"uh…. . and this is knuckles………. he lives on a giant floating rock where he protects a spinning green rock which is always trying to be stolen by a bat girl who he always flirts with"

"HEY" yelled knuckles "SHE FLIRTS WITH ME!"

"mmm hmm……. yeah right knuckles" said Sonic

"and……. well…. that's pretty much everyone" said Tails

"oh…. then who is he?" said Tails' dad pointing to Eggman "is he another one of your friends?"

"uh. . no…. he is actually an escaped insane lunatic crimi-" Tails was cut off by Eggman

"HAHAHAHA…. . that's just a joke……. . Eggman's the name…. Brian Eggman…. . im currently studing for a degree in astrophysics"

"oh…. . how interesting" said tail's dad

"yes…. well…. i actually have a degree in arch-history…. . but it was no good for my kind of job"

"oh……. . what kind of job was that?" asked Tails' dad

"a bank job" replied Eggman

"ahh yes…a nice safe job"

"uh…yeah…possibly"

"did you make your bed?" asked Tails' mum to Tails.

"um…no…. i bought it" replied Tails

"ugh…. . you have bought shame on your family Tails…. look at the state of the place you're living in"

everyone looked around……on closer inspection……it really wasn't that clean………any trash was thrown under just about anything…. chairs, tables…. the tv…

"and look at the state of this furniture" said Tails' mum as she picked up a wooden chair and slammed it on the table……the chair splintered into a million tiny pieces………

"I mean……even bums who live on the street own better furniture than you do"

"I think you'll find that chair was specially built to break apart like that…. . Sonic was going to get smashed over the head with it in the next couple of paragraphs"

"oh" said Tails mum

"you can blame the cops for this mess" said Sonic's conscience "they keep expecting us to be outside fighting crime and not being in here watching tv and stuff……. it's all the cops fault we're like this"

just then…. the door was kicked in……. and a cop stepped into the kitchen where everyone else was

"we try to protect the people here……it's all you snotty teenagers that give us a bad name. "

"what…. . you mean like: pigs……narcs……. . fuzz?"

"right…. that's it…. im really pissed off now"

the cop reached behind him……grabbed a nearby wooden chair and slammed Sonic over the head with it. Sonic fell to the ground…. un-moving……. and unconscious

"and that's for all cops!" yelled the cop

Sonic made no reply…he just laid there…. . un-moving

"uh…. . is he alright?" asked the cop

"probably not" said knuckles "blame that stupid cow over there" he said pointing to Tails' mum "she smashed the special balsa wood chair over the table a few paragraphs ago"

"oh……oh well…. . i gotta go…. . got heaps of raids to do" and the copper left

"yes…. . i think we should go too dear" said Tails' dad "let's just go to hungry jacks instead"

"yes…. i agree…. . i could really go for a double whopper with bacon at the moment" said Tails' mum

Tails' parents then left

"well……I think I'll go ransack the station square bank……" said Eggman "everyone in town seems to be right outside in one massive soccer riot type brawl" so getting through security will be dead easy!"

Eggman then left, leaving only shadow, knuckles, Tails, and an unconscious Sonic in the kitchen.

"well……now whada we do?" asked Tails

then everyone heard a faint ringing sound…. . knuckles and Tails looked around to find the source of the ringing…. until they looked at shadow…. . he seemed to have a look of pleasure on his face……. closing his eyes…. smiling and kinking his neck backwards……knuckles and Tails had no idea what was going on…. . until they heard shadow say…. . or mumble rather

"mmmmm……. . vibrations……. "knuckles was a bit grossed out……Tails walked up to shadow, tapped him on the shoulder, and said…….

"um…shadow……. . i think your cell phone's ringing"

shadow snapped back into reality, reached behind him and pulled his phone out of hammerspace

"hello………………yeah…. . oh god…. . you're kidding me right………you're not……. . OH MY GOD!………I'll be there in 3 seconds!"

shadow hung up the phone

"what was that all about shadow?" asked knuckles

"rouge is preforming at the strip club!"

"OH MY GOD! LETS GO!" yelled Tails

"where's my camera……I can get the nude photo that Eggman wanted!"

"uh guys……. what about Sonic?" asked Tails

"eh……just leave him there" said shadow coldly

so Tails knuckles and shadow went down to the strip joint to see the new performer………. good thing for knuckles and Tails, that shadow gets backstage passes to the girls dressing room….

----------------------------------------------

Author's Notes: this took me so………. so……so…. long………it's not funny………………. HAHAHAHAHAHA…………ok…. . maybe a bit funny……………thanks to a bunch of british idiots for giving me inspiration for this chapter…………. until next time…………ACHOOOOOO!……TKW


	6. WAR! And TV

Now I never expected this to happen…….but as we all know…….when you are lying in bed……..at midnight…….in the middle of the school holidays………….with a brand spanking new laptop in front of you……..with the 'Scared Weird Little Guys' playing in the background…………..strange things are bound to to think of it……even thinking of making another chapter has to be the weirdest thing of all……..

By the way…. 'The Scared Weird Little Guys' are an Australian comedy duo……they're all the way up there with the legend that is Carl Baron

Disclaimer:  Did you know that I usually spend about 10 minutes trying to think of something really stupid to put in the disclaimers?????... I do not own Sonic and Co. They are owned by SEGA…….and if I am wrong…may the paper clip from the Microsoft Office programme rip of my testicles and hang them from my eyelids

Chapter 6:

"I don't think Monopoly has ever been so boring" said Sonic as he moved his piece on the game board

"**Well…… Amy seems to be having fun" **said Sonic's conscience

"I would be if I was her too…..look at her cash dude"

And indeed Amy was having fun…..she had just about all of the money that the entire monopoly set had

"Sonic!" said Amy sharply "are you and your conscience talking about me again?"

"What?!" said Sonic lying in his defense "would we ever do something like that?"

"**Uh….yeah…..we would actually" **added Sonic's conscience

"Shut up man" said Sonic once again getting pissed off at his conscience

"**Not only that…….but Shadow seems to be having fun as well"**

"Well what do expect!? He's got the bank……he's never been in control of so much money since he started the 8 day Massacre of New Jersey"

"**Oh yeah…………how did Shadow start that again?" **asked Sonic's conscience

"He...uh………….um………….I can't remember"

"**Hey Shadow.."**

"Uh….oh…….what do you want conscience?"

"**How did you start the 8 day Massacre of New Jersey?...me or Sonic can't remember"**

"8 day Massacre?" said Shadow confused "oh….OH!...the Massacre……..you mean the one with the nipple rubbing chickens!...I started that with a used condom, 7 nuns, the new 50 cent album, a hamster, and a harvester"

"**No no no……..not that one……that was the 2 month Massacre of Holland"**

"Oh" said Shadow "oh….hang on……was it the one that I started with that tub of low fat custard, the dead goose and the 42 inch plasma TV?"

"Nope" said Sonic

"That was the 9 week Rampage of Hong Kong" said Amy

"Um……..was it the one that I started with that fat trumpet playing guy in the Volvo who kept on calling me Gus?"

"**That would be the Skirmish of Czechoslovakia" **said Sonic's conscience

"The killer schnitzel?" asked Shadow

"Battle of Quetzaltenango" said Sonic

"How about the one with Knuckles' porn stash and Amy's blue thong?"

"WAIT A MINUTE!" yelled Amy startled "THAT WAS MY THONG!?"

Shadow then received a heavy blow to the back of his head from Amy's hammer, Shadow was knocked back, and all of the fake money that was stored in the monopoly bank was scattered everywhere

Sonic burst out in an uncontrollable fit of maniac like laughter

"**Uh Shadow….it wasn't that one either…..that was the Quarrel of Phumi Kâmpóng Trâbêk" **said Sonic's conscience, barely retaining his laughter

Shadow groaned, as he slowly sat himself up "how the hell did that happen?" said Shadow groggily

"You stole my thong you idiot……I thought that was pretty obvious" said Amy in a very pissed off tone, as she crossed her arms and pouted

"No….not that………..you hit me in the back of the head…..and I fell backwards"

The group just sat there with blank stares……until Shadow made another suggestion

"What about the one with the huge bowl of rice, the banjo and the Premature Ejaculation song?"

"That was The Annihilation of Guangxi Zhuangzu Zizhiqu" said Amy

"Now that was fun" said Sonic

"Fun?" said Amy "fun?...I'm surprised that you even remember being there…..you got drunk with that Chinese guy and started River Dancing"

"yeah!...well I seem to recall a certain pink hedgehog taking a dare from Tails and downing an entire bottle of sake and then flirting with me soon afterwards………….and revealing a certain secret" said Sonic in a sly tone

"Oh………I uh……um…..heh heh.." laughed Amy nervously while blushing

"Secret eh?" said Shadow interested "and what secret would that be huh?"

"It's nothing!" said Amy fast

"Yeah….nothing really……just a bit of a bit of a special talent she has" said Sonic

"Talent?" said Shadow confused

"**Yeah!..." began Sonic's conscience "...what she does is she gets this huge rubber…………………….**

_**#SLAM#**_

Sonic was interrupted by Amy, by her slamming her hammer into the back of Sonic's head…….but unlike Shadow, he followed the logical path and fell forward, and face first into the monopoly game, scattering little green houses and red hotels everywhere.

Shadow then burst out in a fit of maniac like laughter, quite similar to what Sonic previously did when Shadow got hit

"Hang on a sec…." said Shadow "THAT'S IT"

"What's it?" asked Amy

"POO!" said Shadow triumphantly

"well if you gotta go, do it in the toilet like everyone else, just because you're the ultimate life form, that doesn't give you the right to take a crap wherever you want" said Amy, still slightly pissed off

"No no….no that………I figured out what I started the New Jersey Massacre with…………POO!...but even if I wanted to go to the toilet……. I couldn't go anyway"

"Huh?...why not………..did vector come around and clog it up again?" asked

"No" answered Shadow

"Then why can't you go…………..did cheese get stuck in the S-bend again?"

"No…….Knuckles is in there"

"Knuckles?...doesn't he just usually just go outside and take a dump next to a tree?" asked Amy

"yeah………but he's killed all the trees in the backyard already……..so he' started to go to the toilet."

"How long has he been in there?"

Shadow looked up at a nearby clock that was hanging up on a wall

"Bout an hour and 20 minutes" said Shadow

"One hour and twenty minutes?" said Amy shocked

"Yeah that's what I thought" said Shadow

"He's been in there for ages" said Amy

Suddenly there was a sound like an explosion and a door flew into the room where Sonic, Amy and Shadow were playing monopoly. Releasing with the explosion was a strange brown gas, that filled the room very quickly.

"Oh my god!" said Amy as she held her nose "what the hell is that smell………… it's horrible"

The smell was even enough to awaken the unconscious Sonic

The blue hedgehog awoke choking on what ever the gas was; he coughed and launched profanities everywhere

"**What the fuck is that?" **asked Sonic's conscience **"its smells worse than the time Sonic took off is shoes"**

Then from the direction that the door blew off, came a woozy looking Knuckles the echidna.

"Man………what happened to you knux?" asked Sonic

"The….. Toilet" said Knuckles weakly, then collapsed onto the floor "………fart…….."

"Fart?" said Shadow confused

"I farted……and in the confined space I was knocked out"

"Knocked out?" said Amy "are you claustrophobic or something?"

"**No….didn't you listen?" **said Sonic's conscience **"he said he farted……….therefore he must have breathed in his own gasses……….and the sheer stench of it knocked him out"**

"Yeah….that's right" said Knuckles as he slowly got up and regained composure of him self

"Since when did he get so smart?" said Amy to no one in particular

"Hey Sonic!" said Shadow enthusiastically

"Wha-…..oh…….yeah……what is it Shadow?"

"POO!" Shadow yelled

"that's not a good idea……knux just came outta the crapper……most of the toxic gas is still in there…..I'll probably pass out just as quick as he did"

"no….not that………….the 8 Day Massacre of New Jersey………..that's how I started it………….with poo!" said Shadow

"**wait a minute!...your right…….you managed to get that giant ball of poo………..then you rolled it around and it got bigger and bigger…………then you chaos controlled it 100 feet above the center of the city……then when it made impact with the ground………..it scatted everywhere" **said Sonic's conscience

"Then the government mistook that for a terrorist attack……….so they sent in the army" said Sonic

"yeah!" added Shadow "and since the humans in New Jersey and rowdy little fuckers anyway……..they rebelled against the army in large gangs…….thus creating The 8 Day Massacre of New Jersey"

"Well …..I'm glad we sorted that out" said Amy

"Why did we wanna know bout the massacre in the first place?" asked Sonic

"**We needed something to talk about while Knuckles was in the shithouse……..it was his turn"**

"Holy shit!" yelled Shadow "the game"

The game players looked at their game…….it was scattered every where……..

"Well……….I guess that's it…….we have to find something else to do now…" said Amy

Everyone else nodded in agreement

"IT'S FINISHED!" came a happy voice from the next room

"Was that Tails?" asked Shadow

"I think so" said Amy

"**Let's go check out what he's done" **said Sonic's conscience

So the small group walked into the next room, and what they saw was a very large TV. And connected to it was various devices…..but most notably was a huge satellite dish..

"Tails!" said Sonic "what's all this?"

"It's my cable and satellite connection" said Tails happily "now we can get all sorts of TV channels from all over the world!"

"Woo hoo" yelled Shadow

"**Illegal cable!...all right!" **yelled Sonic's conscience

"Yeah…now I can check out all the science channels!" said Tails happily

"Woo!...home shopping!" said Amy

"PORN!" yelled Sonic, Shadow and Knuckles in unison

Amy sweat-dropped "ugh….typical"

"Uh….I don't know exactly know what channels I have yet guys….we have to check it out first" said Tails

"Well what are we waiting for?" said Knuckles

"Yeah!" added Shadow "turn on the TV already"

"Ok" said Tails holding the remote "let's see what we got"

Tails pressed the big red button on the remote, and the TV hummed into life, the small cable box displayed some lights, and the satellite began to spin slowly, everything seemed to be working, but the TV displayed nothing

"**What's the deal?" **said Sonic's conscience

"Yeah!" said Sonic "where's the hundred TV channels?"

"Just give it a second guys" said Tails calmly "the satellite has to find a connection…..then the small little box with all of the cables in it will hack into the signal so it can transmit it to out TV"

No sooner had Tails finished his sentence the TV displayed something on screen

"Woo hoo" called Amy happily

"It's working" said Shadow

"Let's see what we got here then" said Tails turning up the volume

"_And the orphans were all slaughtered humanly…."_

"What the hell is this" said Knuckles

"_and in other news……….the auto cue operator of this news room has just died of a heart attack………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………we'll be back after the break"_

"Ugh….news" said Shadow "change the channel Tails"

Tails pressed a button on the remote and the channel changed

"_hello and welcome to tour-o's…..the 24 hour tourism channel……..today we will be looking at….Australia……..this lovely country has some great things to offer everyone……….and because of it's slightly depressed currency……you'll most likely get double your money when you go over there………but one of the best things it can offer you…….is it's fauna………or otherwise known as it's native wildlife…….now…..we have a lovely song promoting Australia and it's natural wild life…………so sit back and enjoy"_

"_redback funnelweb, blue ringed octopus_

_Tipan, tiger snake, adderbox, jellyfish_

_Stonefish…….and the poison thing that lives in a shell……..that's spikes you when you pick it up"_

"_come to Australia_

_You might accidentally get killed"_

"_your life's constantly under threat_

_Have you been bitten yet?_

_You've only got 3 minutes left_

_Before a massive coronary breakdown"_

"_redback funnelweb, blue ringed octopus_

_Tipan, tiger snake, adderbox, jellyfish_

_Big shark…….just waiting for you to go swimming at bondai beach"_

"_come to Australia_

_You might accidentally get killed_

_You'r blood is bound to be spilled_

_With fear your pants will be filled"_

"_coz you might accidentally get killed"_

"**Sounds like a fun place to go" **said Sonic's conscience

"yeah!" agreed Shadow "I could start one hell of a riot there……from what I've heard all I gotta do is go down the pub and punch a few guys in the face……then all hell breaks loose"

"What is it with you and riot's Shadow?" asked Amy

"What?!...I like mindless destruction and being in control of huge war type situations"

"You'd make a great dictator" said Sonic

"Yeah?...sounds like a plan………………………but first I'll check out what else is on this channel…..I might find some other places to wage war at…"

The small group glued their eyes to the television screen

"_up next……we have new Zealand……….and like Australia…..we have a little song…..so as before……..sit back and enjoy"_

"_oh guv me fufty sux bucks of fush und chups_

_I huvunt sud thut sunce nuntenn suxty sux_

_Thut's a butt ruch if ya kuss me un the lups_

_I'll hut ya wuth my fust if ya guv me the shuts"_

"_ahhhh minnin"_

"Think you'll go there Shadow?" asked Sonic

"New Zealand?...didn't they make the Lord of the Rings films over there?"

"Yeah they did" said Tails

"Wow…..I never knew they had such a bad orc problem over there" said Shadow

"Well……one of the main cities in New Zealand is Auckland" said Amy

The group decided that they had watched enough of the tourism channel so Tails changed the channel again

"_Ok…now we'll go to the next item for sale…."_

"WOO HOO!!!" yelled Amy happily "THE SHOPPING CHANNEL"

"_The next item we have is this deluxe edition blow up sex doll"_

"YES!!!" called Shadow Sonic and Knuckles in unison "PORN"

"**Not very good porn though" **said Sonic's conscience

"Huh……..and why is that?" asked Knuckles

"Oh come on Knuckles…..even I know the answer to that" said Tails

"Oh…….and what is it"

"You gotta pay for it" said Tails

"yeah…..I don't see the point of that thing anyway……… why don't they just get a real women and do it for free?" said Amy as she looked at Sonic and winked, Sonic recoiled slightly

"**Maybe later Amy" **said Sonic's conscience **"but I'm watching TV at the moment"**

"WHAT!" said Sonic "NOT IN MY BODY YOU'RE NOT!"

"**Oh shut up Sonic……you'll be asleep any way…….I'll be doing all the work……"**

"I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO MATE!"

"Will you too just shut the fuck up?" screamed Knuckles "I can't hear the TV"

Everyone just sat there in silence listening to what else was on TV……….it was really boring….

"Screw this" said Shadow "I'm going to new Zealand……anyone coming with me?"

"Count me in"said Tails

"I got nothing better to do" said Knuckles

"Zzzzzzzzzz" snored Sonic

"**Sonic's asleep" **said Sonic's conscience **"that's our cue Amy"**

"Uh…..sorry Shadow" said Amy "I'm going to…..uh…….help Sonic's conscience"

"Oh well" said Shadow "your loss"

"Not really" said Amy

Shadow then pulled out his chaos emerald

"Fush und chups here we come" said Knuckles

Shadow, Tails and Knuckles then disappeared in a flash of green light

"Well…..where to begin" said Amy

Then Sonic's conscience and Amy were interrupted by another green flash, Shadow, Knuckles and Tails were all back in the room.

"right……Knuckles…go to the fridge and get that old cheese……….Tails………go into Amy's bedroom and find a skimpy bikini………..preferably with a thong…….and I'll go outside to the bin and grab that dead moose"

The trio gathered the items and re-gathered into the room

"Right….now we're outta here" said Shadow

Then they disappeared once again

"Tails is in a bit of a shock" said Amy

"**Why's that"**

"I wore that bikini yesterday"

"**And……"**

"It's that time of month…….or at least is was"

"**Oh…….."**

**MEANWHILE IN NEW ZEALAND**

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

----------------------------

Secondary Disclaimer: The Songs: Deadly Animals (Come to Australia), and the New Zealand song are both owned by the Scared Weird Little Guys

Author's Notes: I would like to tell everyone right now…….I do not have anything against new Zealand….in fact….it is one of the places I would like to go when I have money (so that would Probably be never…..but anyway) …..Oh…….about those weird places…they do exist

Guangxi Zhuangzu Zizhiqu is in China, Phumi Kâmpóng Trâbêk and Quetzaltenango are somewhere in Cambodia.

Expect another chapter soon………I've got some sweet ideas…….that will make you laugh face first into the keyboard…..and at the same time make you think……..oh yeah…….'how come I've never thought of that before'. But in the meantime…………..just review this chapter………..coz I need reviews………I eat them…….they have high nutritional value………….just review it ok?!?!


	7. Confusing Language Part 2

And now……let us bask in more wonders of the English language. Today we will receive an intellectual piece by Tails on the English language...followed by many swear words……so this is rated M for coarse language people…..so if you don't like swear words……then you should have stopped reading about halfway through the first chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not declare ownership and rights over Sonic and co. the aforementioned fictional characters are owned by the companies: Sonic Team and SEGA. If you think otherwise…..then your stupider than I am.

Chapter 7: Confusing Language Part 2

"What the heck are you on about Tails?" said Amy to the twin tailed fox confused

"**Yeah" **agreed Sonic's conscience **"what's so confusing about the English language"**

"I can't think of anything" said Knuckles

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" said Shadow mockingly

"Come on guys…..just think about it……..English is one of the most confusing languages in the world…" said Tails "you know what I mean don't ya Sonic?"

"Uh……actually………no" said Sonic

"Why don't you tell us why the English language is so confusing then Tails?" asked Amy

"You really want me to explain?…….you probably won't understand it"

"Look kid……. I'm the ultimate life form……I understand everything"

"You sure?" said Tails

The rest of the group nodded in agreement

Tails took a deep breath

"There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither pine nor apple in pineapple.

Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, and boxing rings are square.

If the plural of tooth is teeth. Why isn't the plural of booth: beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose. 2 meese?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, is it an odd or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats only vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language can you ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance mean the same thing, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which; an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which of course is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible"

The entire group sat silently for a few minutes

"**That has to be the most intelligent thing I've ever heard you say Tails"**

"I try" said Tails cockily

"Do you know what my favorite word in the English language is?" asked Shadow to the entire group

"Death?"

"Destruction?"

"**Boobs?"**

"Prostitutes?"

"No no no" said Shadow "fuck"

"You're kidding me right?" said Amy

"Nope"

"And why Shadow, would your favorite word be the f-word?" asked Tails

"Yeah!" said Amy "there has never been a time in history where the f- word was appropriate"

"Actually….there was thank you very much" said Shadow pouting

"Oh yeah?...ok then……give us 10 times throughout history where the f-word was appropriate"

"Number 1" said Knuckles in anticipation

"What the fuck was that?" quoted Shadow

"And who said that exactly?" asked Sonic

"Mayor of Hiroshima" answered Shadow

"**Number 2" **said Sonic's conscience

"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" quoted Shadow

"And that would be?" asked Amy

"Custer" said Shadow

"Ah" said Tails "I probably would have said the same thing"

"Come on then" said Amy "number 3"

"Any fucking idiot could work that out" quoted Shadow

"EINSTEIN!" piped up Tails

"Correct" said Shadow

"**Number 4" **said Sonic's conscience

"It does so fucking look like her!" quoted Shadow once again

"Now who would have said that?" asked Sonic

"Picasso"

"Oh" said everyone

"You're half way there Shadow" said Knuckles "number 5"

"How the fuck did you work that out?" quoted Shadow

"Oh oh……..I bet that was Pythagoras" said Tails

"Once again correct" said Shadow

"Number 6…come on Shadow" said Sonic

"You want me to paint WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" quoted Shadow

"Oh…..hey…….i bet that was Michelangelo" said Amy

"Well….you're not as dumb as you look" said Shadow

"Number 7" said Knuckles

"I don't suppose it's gunna fucking rain" quoted Shadow again

"**Who was that?" **asked Sonic's conscience

"Joan of arc"

"Ok Shadow…doin well so far…….bring on number 8" said Tails

"Scattered fucking showers my arse" quoted Shadow

"Now who said that Shadow?" asked Knuckles

"Noah of course"

"Number 9 Shadow" said Sonic

"I need this parade like I need a hole in my fucking head" quoted Shadow

"**I bet that was JFK"** guessed Sonic's conscience

"right you are conscience" said Shadow

"Well Shadow…..here's number 10….what've you got?"

"Aw come on…..who the fuck's gunna find out?"

"Who was that?"

"Bill Clinton! Well….that's 10…….Amy…...you owe me a lap dance!"

"LIKE FUCK I DO…..I NEVER AGREED TO THAT"

"**NUMBER 11!"** said Sonic's conscience

"Damn……you didn't fall for it" said Shadow slightly disappointed

"What's your favorite word in the English language Tails" asked Sonic

"Oh….I bet I know" said Knuckles

"Oh would you now" say Tails curious "and what exactly would my favorite word be?"

"Science……..or something like that…………am I right?"

"Nope" said Tails flatly

"Well what is it then?"

"scopolamine" answered Tails

"what the fuck is scopolamine" asked Amy

**"NUMBER 12" **said Sonic's conscience

"Scopolamine…….a colourless, viscous liquid alkaloid extracted from certain plants, such as henbane: used in preventing travel sickness and as a sedative and truth serum……….it is also known as hyoscene"

"Completely and utterly useless information" said Amy

"I bet I know what your favorite word is Knuckles" said Sonic

"Oh yeah?"

"Boobs" said Sonic

"Shit" said Knuckles

"what-….you mean I was right?" asked Sonic

"No….I means my favorite word is shit" answered Knuckles

"What?" said Amy in disbelief "you're as bad as Shadow!"

"**And why exactly is shit your favorite word?"** asked Sonic's conscience

"Coz when I say it in public…..it can start a lot of trouble………and where there is trouble…there's fights!"

"We had to ask" said Amy

"There's actually a lot more to the word shit than you think Amy" said Tails

The entire group was stunned…….none of them ever heard Tails swear before

"Whad'ya means 'there's more to it?'" asked Shadow

"Just think about it………..shit could just about be the most versatile word in the English language"

"Please explain" said this:

You can be shit faced,

Shit out of luck,

Or have shit for brains

With a little effort, you can get your shit together,

Or find a place for your shit.

You can smoke shit,

Buy shit,

Sell shit,

Lose shit,

Find shit,

Forget shit

And tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit,

There are lucky shits,

Dumb shits,

Crazy shits,

And sweet shits.

There is bullshit,

Horse shit,

And chicken shit.

You can throw shit,

Sling shit,

Catch shit,

Shoot the shit,

Or duck when shit hits the fan

You can give a shit,

You can find yourself in deep shit,

Or be happier than a pig in shit,

Some music sounds like shit,

Things can look like shit,

And there are times when you feel like shit.

Sometimes, everything you touch turns to shit,

And other times, you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.

And remember; once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

That is… if you give a shit!"

The crowd fell silent once again

"**Smart arse" **said Sonic's conscience

Tails just laughed slyly

"Shit is also another word for poo" said Shadow

"Oh really" said Amy sarcastically

"Yeah" answered Shadow, not realizing the sarcasm "I'm an expert on poo ya know?"

"Oh god" said Amy

"There are many different types of poo delivery, each with its own name."

"Tell us all about it then"said Sonic

"**Ladies and gentlemen!" **boomed Sonic's conscience like an announcer **"welcome to 'the wonderful world of poo'….with your host……..the ultimate life form…Shadow"**

"Well….first up is the ghost poo" began Shadow

"And what exactly is a ghost poo?" asked Knuckles

"Well…..you feel the poo come out……but when you look in the bowl……..like magic…..it's gone"

"O…….k" said Amy wierded out

"Next up we have the clean poo"

"Now how the fuck can you have clean poo" asked Amy

"**NUMBER 13" **boomed Sonic's conscience's voice once again

"Clean poo" Shadow began "you feel it come out….you can see it in the bowl………..you know it's there……..but you wipe perfectly clean"

"Right………next?"

"The dreaded second wave poo"

"I reckon I can guess what that is" said Tails

"Oh do you now" said Shadow

"I wouldn't be surprised if he does……….do you remember some of the other stuff that he's said in the past 10 minutes?"

"Good point…….well then genius…….please explain" said Shadow

Tails cleared his throat "if my hypothesis is correct……….second wave poo would be what happens when you think your finished…………you stand up…..and suddenly….BOOM……………back it comes again"

"**Smart arse" **said Sonic's conscience once again

"Yep" said Shadow…. "He's right"

"Continue" said Sonic

"Wet poo" said Shadow

"Let me guess" said Amy half disgusted "it's the opposite of clean poo?"

"Yep……………..no matter how much you wipe……..it still feels like there's some still there"

"Ugh" groaned Amy in disgust

"pop-a-vein-in-your's-forehead-poo" said Shadow

"……."

"You strain so hard to get it out; you pretty much have a stroke"

"I've had a few of them" said Knuckles holding his head

"Oh god………too much info there Knuckles" said Amy

"The Lincoln log poo……..it's so big that you reckon you won't be able to flush it without the help of a plunger"

"A few of them too" said Knuckles

"The surprise poo………..you're not even at the toilet………and you just think you're gunna fart….WRONG!!!...it's poo!!"

"And definitely a few of them" added Knuckles

"GOD KNUCKLES!! SHUT UP…..I THINK I'M GUNNA HURL" yelled Amy at the echidna

"Next up is the corn poo….now I think this one is self explanatory"

The group nodded in agreement.

"What else you got Shadow" asked Sonic

"Well…..there's the drinkers poo….the kind you get after a big nights drinking"

"Quite a few of them too" said Knuckles

"**Me too" **groaned Sonic's conscience

"Now…." Began Shadow "….to recognize a drinker's poo…….. the 2 most recognizable traits are….. a …….the foul odor ……..and just forget about the matches…….a blowtorch wouldn't cut the stench of this one……….and b ………the skid marks that it leaves on the bottom of the toilet bowl that can last through 4 days of constant flushing"

"Oh god…..you are disgusting Shadow" said Amy slightly dry reaching

"The 'gee-I-wish-I-could-poo'"

"The what?" asked Tails?

"The 'gee-i-wish-i-could-poo"

"And what is that?" asked Sonic

"with this kind, you constantly hear yourself chanting over and over 'I think I can, I think I can'…….you want to poo…..you know you need to poo………but you find yourself sitting there till your face turns red……you've read two entire books……….and the seat has left marks on your butt cheeks…………yet all you can come up with is a couple of wimpy old farts!"

"I see what ya mean now" said Tails

"We also have the spinal tap poo" said Shadow

"**Spinal tap poo?!" ** Said Sonic excited **"does it come out playing really loud music?"**

"no conscience….not that kind of spinal tap………….when this kind comes out………it hurts so bad you swear it's coming out sideways"

"Ohhh" groaned Sonic as he winced in imagining the pain of a spinal tap poo

"The wet cheeks poo" stated Shadow

"Let me guess" said Amy "when it comes out….it hits the water so hard that it splashes water all over your ass?"

Shadow nodded "it's also known as the power dump"

"the three-alarm poo………you courtesy flush 3 times but the smell still burns the hair out of your nose……….that…..and the neighbors would probably ring the government and ask if there is a nearby gas leak in the mains"

"Never heard of that one before" said Tails

"Ok………last one" said Shadow

"It's about bloody time" said Amy

"The final one is called the upper-class poo"

"Huh….is that what rich people do?" asked Knuckles

"Not really……..it's the kind that, much to your surprise…..doesn't stink at all…………I fact……..you are amazed by the wonderful fruity odor that has filled the room"

"How do you know all this Shadow?" asked Tails

"I have a masters degree in fecal studies" answered Shadow proudly

"Well………that was a complete waste of time" said Amy "and speaking of time……Shadow……….it's time we went to work"

"Ah….it is too" said Shadow

-------------------------------------

Author's Notes: I can probably guess what your saying……………. I've heard all those jokes before"………well………you just heard the again………………..if you haven't hear them before………..well………..just ignore this notes section………just review………….and even if you have heard of the jokes before……..review anyway……………piece out………………………TKW


	8. Time For A Change

sOk…..I got get this outta the way before anything else, I am not a sexist or racist person, like the previous chapters, the jokes made in this fan fiction, are made for comedic purposes only, and if you believe there is something really offensive, don't hesitate to tell me.

Disclaimer: what makes you think that anyone apart from SEGA would ever own Sonic and co.?...apart from drugs

Chapter 8: Time For A Change

"TAILS…FOR GOD SAKE, YOU'RE BEING UNREASONABLE" yelled Sonic at the two tailed fox who stood defiantly in front of the blue hedgehog

"Look Sonic" said Tails "I've made my decision, and that's what's gunna happen……nothing else"

"Yeah……but a sex change…..don't you reckon that's just a bit too much"

"**I agree with dipshit on this one" **said Sonic's conscience **"what's so wrong with your life that makes you wanna get a sex change anyway….did you kill someone or something?"**

"No" said Tails "women just live better lives than men, and I want a better life"

"For god sake" Sonic said again "AMY!"

A loud "WHAT!!!!" came from the kitchen

"Get out here Amy" called Sonic "I need your help"

Amy emerged from the kitchen, "what's wrong?"

"**Tails" **said Sonic's conscience

Amy looked at Tails, "what about him?"

"he wants to get a sex change Amy……talk him out of it would ya?...I'm getting no where with him"

Amy glanced at Tails, who just nodded to confirm Sonic's statement, she then walked to the couch, sat down, and patted the spot next to her to tell Tails to sit there

Tails sat next to Amy and looked at her, waiting for her to ask the question he knew she was going to ask

"Ok Tails" said Amy calmly "why do you want a sex change?"

Tails was silent for a moment "I'm envious of your lifestyle Amy"

"Envious?...why"

"Girls just have it better off than boys do Amy……and you know it"

"Oh come on Tails. Don't be stupid……..how is a woman's life better than a man's?"

"You really want me to tell you?" asked Tails

"Sure I do, because I'm an expert on living a girl's life, so I could point out any mistakes you make"

"Yeah………well….to begin with Women can get sex anytime they want"

"Oh come on Tails" said Amy "is that all you got?"

"You got all day?" asked Tails, indicating that he indeed have more

"Sure do"

"**This should be interesting"**

"Well………

Women never have to buy their own drinks at the bar

Women urinate sitting down so it's easier to pass out on the toilet when they're drunk

Women get out of speeding tickets by crying

Women get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage

Women can sleep their way to the top of the class

Women can marry rich men and then not have to work

Women never have to pay when they go out on dates

Men take women on all expenses paid trips and all women have to do is sleep with them

Men light cigarettes for women

Men hold the door open for women

Women are cuter

Women pout better

Women lie better

Women are better manipulators

Women always end up sleeping in the bed when they fight with their other halves. The guy gets the couch

Women always have food in the fridge

Women don't worry about losing their hair

Women always get to choose the movie

Women don't have to mow the lawn

Women don't have to take out the garbage

Women don't have to paint the house or walls

PMS is yet another excuse to bitch at men

Women can dig their way out of anything, not just dig themselves deeper into a hole

The men unlocks the women's side of the car first - a real bonus when it's cold

PMS as a legal defense for murder

Men are like tiles: lay them right the first time, you can then walk all over them forever

Women can masturbate more times in one day than men

Multiple orgasms

Women don't have to constantly adjust their genitals

Cosmopolitan

Sweat is sexy on women

Women never run out of excuses

Guys may get to think about sex 200 hundred times a day, but women could be having it that often

Doggy style – that way women get to watch the movie too

Women get expensive jewelry as gifts that they never have to get back

And women get any candy and jewelry all the time because men screw up so often

Women are cleaner

Women have more than one erogenous zone

Women are better arguers

Women don't always have to think with their genitals

Massage!

Women are better parents

Women never have to sit alone on a weekend night

There is never a shortage of ready willing and able men

Women are flexible

When women get mad they don't destroy property or people they just take it out on the world in general because women can

Menopause – thank god women are not capable of having children after the age of 50

Menstruation as just another excuse for women to say no to sex

Men in uniform

There is no penis envy

Women can roll over and go to sleep after they masturbate because there's no mess to clean up

It generally takes less to get women drunk

Women have a higher tolerance to pain

Women often get to cut in line

Most women actually look good in short shorts – men don't

Women don't wear underwear are considered sexy and while men do and it's considered rather disgusting

Women have mastered civilized eating. They don't embarrass friends or make loud bodily noises in public

Women can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return

Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting – thank god for long pants and perfume!

Women can connive me into doing their homework; writing their papers or carrying their books anytime they want

Men walk on the side of the footpath closest to the road, so if a car swerves onto the footpath, he gets hurt first

Women sweat less

Women smell better

When a women makes their boyfriend mad. They don't have to spend money on flowers or cards – sex fixes all

Men are more often the serial killers and rapists

Women don't get the humor in the three stooges

Women have 3 accessible holes

Women don't get embarrassed when buying tampons

Women are better gossips

Women have better fashion sense

Women are better shoppers

Women don't have to make a fool out of themselves to impress a man

Women's friend don't pick on them if they aren't sleeping with anyone

Women know how to fake it

Men don't know what 'girl talk' is all about (and never will)

When women are sitting on a goldmine, they know how to use it to their full advantage

Women don't have to drive when on a date

An ugly woman can use make up and get a new hair-do and become presentable. Ugly men are just ugly men

Women can use that old 'that mark on my neck is from a curling iron' line

Women look better naked

Women know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing

When women are short, they are petite. When men are short, they are just short

Women do less for violent crime

Women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up

An oblong vegetable is all women needs for a good time any night

Women's conversations consist of more that just: 'uh huh, yep, ok then, bye'

Women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood

The remote control is not an extension of themselves

Women are sexier

And finally……….. Women can get sex ANYTIME, ANYWHERE and ANY WAY they want it"

Amy sat there stunned. As did Sonic and his conscience

"Wow……I never knew my life was so……………..so………………so………….."

"It's PERFECT" shouted Tails throwing his hands into the air "now you know why I want to be a girl"

"**Look Tails……just think about it for a second……a man's life isn't all that bad either. I mean…………you've been a guy everyday of your life so far……….why change it?"**

"Yeah Tails" added Amy after Sonic's conscience "there's gotta be plenty of great reasons to be a guy……….uh…….right Sonic?"

"Of course there is"

"Oh yeah." Said Tails "like what?"

"Ok then…well……….

A 5 day vacation requires only 1 suitcase

You can open all of your own jars

**You don't need a support group to go to the bath room**

You can leave a hotel bed unmade

You get extra credit for the smallest act of thoughtfulness

Sex means never having to worry about your reputation

**You don't have to shave below your neck**

If your 34 and still single, no one notices

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat of your car

**Chocolate is just another snack**

Flowers fix everything

You can eat a banana in a hardware store

**One mood all the time**

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day

**You never feel compelled to stop a friend getting laid**

The world is your urinal

With 400 million sperm in one shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 loads, in theory at least"

There was a short pause

"Is that all you got?" asked Tails

"Well……at the moment….yeah.. That's it."

"That's nothing compared to what I just said Sonic"

"Yeah……I know"

"You wanna know what sucks about being a guy?" asked Tails

"Not really" said Sonic

"I do" said Amy "I might understand your problem better"

"Ok then" said Tails

Tails begun his reasons as to why a man's life sucks

"External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs

Even if you get your head stuck in an industrial wood chipper, you not allowed to cry

Ribbed for HER pleasure…..not yours

You have to wear ties

You can't flirt your way out of a jam

Women and children first

"Wow…..I never thought a man would have so many problems"

"**Come on Tails…don't do it…………who am I gunna hang out with?"**

"You can still hang out with me Sonic…I'll just be a girl"

"But I don't hang out with girls" said Sonic

"You soon will be" said Tails "I'm having the sex change"

"Tails…." Said Amy softly

"Huh??"

"Whatever you do……….. I'll stand by your decision……..besides………….I could always use some girl company around here"

"Thanks Amy" said Tails who then gave Amy a hug

"**God dammit Tails" **said Sonic's conscience **"you might as well get your self a new nationally while you're at it"**

"…….actually Sonic……that's not such a bad idea…………Amy……..wanna help me decide what nationality to be?" asked Tails

"Sure……….I've always wanted a foreign friend"

"Uh……ok…….what about French?"

"French?"

"What are some good reasons for being French Amy?"

"Uh……oh…….well:

When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay

Experience the joy of winning the world cup after the first time, after drugging the competition

You get to eat insects

If there is a war you can surrender really early

You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films

You can test your nuclear weapons in other people's countries

You can be ugly and still be a famous actor

And people think you're a great lover, even when your not"

"Hmm….that's ok…….what's another nationality?"

"What about American?" suggested Amy

"Hmm…….ok……..let's see………good reasons for being American……………………………………

You can have a woman president without electing her

You can spell the word 'colour' wrong and get away with it

You can call Budweiser beer

You can be a crook, and still be president

If you have enough money you can get elected to do anything

If you can breathe, you can get a gun

You get to be really obese

You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made, and no one ever notices

You get to call everyone you've never met buddy

You can think you're the greatest nation on earth

When you're not

At all

Beats being Canadian

"They're some pretty good reasons I guess" said Tails

"**How bout English" **suggested Sonic's conscience

"English……you mean British English"

"**Yeah"**

"Hmm…….what's good about the English Amy?" asked Tails

"English………uh let's see:

Warm beer

You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket

Spotted dick

You can accept defeat graciously after losing major sporting events

Union jack underpants

Water shortages guaranteed every single summer

You can live in the past and still believe you are a world power

Bathing once a week – whether you need it or not

Ditto changing underwear

Beats being welsh

Or Scottish"

"English doesn't sound too bad…………but what else is there?"

"How about Italian?" suggested Sonic

"Hey……yeah…Italian…….Whad'ya think Tails" asked Amy

"Hmm…..Italian" pondered Tails "lets see……..what's good about Italians?...oh….I know:

Italian

In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes

Not embarrassed to wear fur

No need to worry about tax returns

Glorious military history prior to 400 AD

You can wear sunglasses inside

Political stability

Flexible working hours

Live near the pope

Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair

Country run by Sicilian murderous"

"Italian doesn't sound bad either" said Tails

"**How bout New Zealand?"**

"Uh……ok……….what's good in New Zealand?" asked Tails

"……………………………………………………………………."

"……………………………………………………………………."

"Ok………..how about Indian?" asked Sonic

"What's good about India?" asked Amy

"**Too easy" **said Sonic's conscience

"Ok then…..please explain"

"**Well………..there's**

**Dosai**

**Chicken madras**

**Lamb passanda**

**Onion bahji**

**Bombay potato**

**Chicken tikka masala**

**Rojan josh**

**Pappadams**

**Chicken dopiazza**

**Meat boona**

"I think you should go have some lunch Sonic" said Amy

"…….what about welsh then?" suggested Sonic

"Welsh"

"You're kidding right?"

"Uh….of course I was…….heh heh……….what I meant to say was…………..uh……………..I…………I uh…………………….oh, Irish"

"All right then" said Amy "know anything good about the Irish?"

"Let's see" said Tails "well……….there's:

Guinness

18 children

You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road

Pubs never close

No one can ever remember the night before

Stew

More Guinness

Eating stew and drinking Guinness in a pub at three in the morning after a large bout of sectarian violence

"Eh……that's more for men" said Amy

"Sounds good to me "said Sonic

Amy and Tails ignored Sonic's comment

"What's something different?" Asked Tails "something………uncommon"

"**South African?" **suggested Sonic's conscience

"Hey………now that is good……..there's some cool stuff about South Africans" said Amy

"There is?" said Tails "like what?"

"Well….." began Amy

"…………Being able to win the world cub rugby the first time you enter the competition

Get to eat raw dried meat, and call it a treat

Stable and politically safe economy

Think that gays only live outside the country

Having a flag that looks more like Joseph's Technicolor dream coat

Having 11 official languages and only being able to speak one

Having an ex-convict as your president

Having one of the most honest postal services in the world

Being able to charge tourists to visit places of unrest

You can drive drunk

"Uh…….I knows…………I like to be surrounded by technology……..South Africa just isn't right for me"

"How's about Canada then?" asked Sonic sarcastically

"Yeah…you could be Canadian"

"Well….might as well think about what's good about them then"

"**Allow me" **said Sonic's conscience

"**It beats being American**

**Where else can you travel over 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?**

**A political leader can admit to smoking pot, and his/her popularity will rise**

**Kill grizzly bears with huge 'fuck off' shot guns and then hang the skin all over your house"**

"uh……..I don't think I wanna be a Canadian either………" said Tails "I don't know what nationality I wanna be….maybe I'll just stay the way I am………..I'll just get the sex change…..I'll be happy then"

Tails got up and headed to the door……….but was blocked by Sonic…..holding a very familiar handgun, which was pointed right between his eyes

"Wait a sec…….." said Amy "that's shadow's gun!"

"Tails…….you get that sex change……….and I'll put a bullet right between that genius brain of yours"

"God dammit"

--------------

Author's Notes: now for this ending. I'll let you use your imagination as to what happens next……….once again…I'm not a racist or sexist person………I just use certain things for humor…….as would everyone else to some extent………now……. I may be making another chapter………but I might not…..you see I'm working on something new……..the first chapter should be up soonish………so watch out for that one……….. Until next time……..either in this fic….or a different one……SEE YA LATER…….TKW.


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